I’m in love… and it’s impossible… he’s 21…realistically, there is no way this is going to end without me getting my heart broken… but it feels so good, it’s more than just sex, because we hang out otherwise and have so much fun. I’ve met a lot of his friends, and the other night, he even took me to his aunt’s… and they liked me. Of course they don’t know that we’re more than friends. Even his roommate/best friend doesn’t know… (he’s gay, so he doesn’t find me attractive, thus it doesn’t occur to him that R— could).
I guess I’m not going to hear from B—- again. He didn’t answer my last text. It’s not like The Breakfast Club, the weird artsy chick doesn’t end up with the frat boy. I guess I thought he was different. That’s my fault. It’s too bad, because I really thought there was potential. Besides, you’d think all the guaranteed sex you want without having to do the boyfriend stuff would be most guys’ dream.
At least I had a great time hanging out with my friend I hadn’t seen in years. It was like the old days. Friday night I’m going to a birthday party at the Zoo Bar, should be interesting. Haven’t been there in years.
can it get any worse? Now I’ve got some ::married:: guy trying to talk me into being his mistress or wtf they call it nowadays… HELL TO THE NO… I don’t care how hot he is, I’m not settling for that… having been a wife who was cheated on, there’s no way I’m going there. Then, I get a text from a friend of my husband’s, who I have ::absolutely nothing:: in common with (he thinks he’s a rapper, I f’ing LOATHE rap, I resent how Nick wasted so much of his time and talent on that shit and the people it led him to hang out with) wanting to hang out… the crazy cat lady route is becoming ever more appealing.
I was supposed to get paid today, the first of the year they started mailing our checks to our homes instead of giving them out at work. It wasn’t here. My mail comes late in the day, so who knows when I’ll get it tomorrow. Thank God I’m not broke. If Nick was still here, it would have set off a major drama crisis because we would have been completely broke and he wouldn’t have been able to get his weed or dope.
You would think by now I would be better at dealing with disappointment, there’s been so much of it in my life. It’s just sucks so much when you think you’ve found something special and rare, but you can’t have it…
So that’s what I get for being open and honest… maybe guys are only interested in the thrill of the chase. Apparently, I need to learn to play hard to get and all the other bullshit games women are supposed to play.
I am such an idiot.
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard to find someone… I’m reasonably attractive, look young for my age, I’m smart, I’m loyal. I guess I’m too much of a romantic, to think that love at first sight can happen to you more than once in your life…
Then again, maybe this is God’s way of telling me I’m not ready for a relationship… I will admit that it feels good to be able to be selfish, to worry about me and what I need, after 16 years of it being all about Nick and what he wanted and needed…
Happy Valentines Day… not. I made the mistake of telling B—- how much I liked him, and of course he vanished into thin air. He said he didn’t think he was ready for a relationship, and it wouldn’t be fair to me. All I did was mention it, and then I said I was ok with just keeping it casual. Haven’t heard from him since. I will try one more time, Saturday night I’m hanging out with an old and dear friend I haven’t seen in several years, her boyfriend’s band is playing at a coffee place downtown. B—- likes music, and doesn’t drink, so I will text him about it. Just mention that I’ll be there. There is always the possibility that I may meet someone there, too. The online thing is very frustrating. I got a very interesting email from a guy here in Lincoln on match.com, but as I can’t afford their ridiculous membership fees –34.99/mo or 19.99/mo if you pay for 3 months at once, I can’t even view his freaking profile, let alone contact him. Who the hell can afford to belong to these things? I’m already regretting the 24.99 I wasted on the other site.